Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)

I mean, ok. I get it. “Speed” was a monster smash at the time of its release, so a sequel was almost a guarantee from the get-go. I get that. What I don’t get is how they ended up with this limp noodle of a movie that’s *literally* about a cruise ship going too fast. I mean, there’s nothing there for the audience to really care about, and repeated shots of cruise officers yelling “Three knots! Two knots!” as the behemoth cruise ship heads towards a coastal community doesn’t exactly get the blood pumping. Neither does Willem Dafoe, who plays the villainous John Geiger like he’s in a comedy about The Joker instead of the main villain in a $110 million action blockbuster. But at least he’s trying to do something inventive and fun, which is more than we can say for anybody else in the movie, in particular its two leads. Jason Patric takes over for Keanu Reeves here (because Reeves read the script and realized it was garbage, I guess) but he has none of the coolest-guy-in-the-room appeal that Reeves has, while Sandra Bullock spends most of the movie whining or acting like a child, so there aren’t any characters for us to care about. The finale comes and goes like a wet fart, and when the end credits start to roll, you start asking yourself how giant productions such as this one that have such obviously terrible stories (like “Doolittle” or “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”) even end up getting made, let alone released. I will say this for “Speed 2” however: If you have friends who love good-bad movies, get yourself some brews and you’ll have a great time dunking on it together… but that’s about its only appeal. Ugh.

Rating: ★ (out of 5)

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